10 days of radical niceness: A marriage-building exercise

On a particularly rough morning in our home, it occurred to me: I could continue to be cranky and irritable and mad about the endless shuffle between kids, work, and life’s many other duties. I could continue to take all of that frustration out on my husband. Or I could try a radically different approach.

An approach so wildly unexpected it would change the attitude in our home immediately.

An approach so revolutionary and subversive that it would upset the carefully crafted balance of gender equity we’ve contrived.

An approach so shocking that our kids may even bring it up in therapy someday.

And for support — like any modern woman would — I took my terrible morning to Facebook and asked friends to join me for the project:

Because the overall response was positive and our hubbys were watching, my pals and I created a private group to support each other through the 10-day project. I learned a lot through the process, and some of it was surprising.

The first surprise? Unmarried friends didn’t understand why it was just 10 days of niceness. Hahahahahahahaha. Strange how none of my married pals asked that question… moving on!

What you might expect next is a list of nice things you can do for your spouse. But the importance of the project had nothing to do with the specifics of what we did and everything to do with attitude and consistency.

After ten days of radical niceness:

• Nicole learned that she was able to stop arguments before they started by choosing where to invest her energy (even while septic systems backed up and husband & wife wielded dueling plungers at the toilet and shower. This is where romance happens, folks!)

• Being nicer to our husbands helped the fellas be more patient with the kids, with us, and — gasp! — even with their coworkers.

• Many of us realized we had stopped making eye contact with our husbands. The kids take so much attention that it took conscious effort to focus on looking our guys in the eye. And then it got kind of weird and we went into creeper-stalker-girlfriend eye contact mode, which was fun.

• Jen said that focusing on her own niceness helped her to see where her husband had been trying to wow her and she just hadn’t noticed his efforts.

• Vanessa said the experiment reminded her of what she’s capable of as a wife (amazingness!). With the rush and routine of family life, she’d forgotten that she could also pour love into her husband. We’ve all got it in us!

• We all shared some common challenges: sick kids, sick us, lack of sleep, plans derailed … we’re all facing stress in our marriages and we all have crappy days.

• We learned that our husbands actually have pretty low expectations. They know that newborns make us walking zombies and children drive us crazy. They understand and they don’t want us to be miserable.

• We learned that niceness isn’t natural or easy. Your husband is your go-to guy for everything. Affection, support, yard work, getting stuff down from the attic … it’s not surprising he’s also your guy for venting frustration. So being nice to your number-one-fella requires purposeful attention.

  

  

• We learned that each marriage is a beautiful and unique partnership! It was surprising to hear about the little things each wife does for her husband. It put a spotlight on the fact that every household is different. What wow’d my husband wouldn’t wow someone else’s. Never one-size-fits-all.

Some of the radical acts of niceness we accomplished:

• Day 1 was simple. I mean, if you’re going to be radically nice, I think we all know how to kick it off right. Central Florida was full of chipper men the next morning, is all I’m sayin’.

• One friend made her husband a turkey sandwich on a Saturday morning. This counts.

• Nicole took FOUR children (two of them babies!) out to shop for a gift for her hubby.

• One wife made packing her hubby’s lunch a priority — for 10 days straight!

• Janet made a homemade key lime pie completely from scratch including the crust (wink!).

• Jen smiled and nodded when we all agreed her husband deserved a swift kick in the pants.

• Janet refrained from “I-told-you-so’s” when she clearly could have used them … to the tune of about $500.

• We suggested that our husbands take time to be with their buddies (and then regretted it when our kids drove us crazy).

• Sending encouraging thank-you texts and, conversely, NOT sending texts when meetings are happening and bosses are watching. Jen texted her husband to thank him for being such a hard worker. His response? “I BEAT LVL 70 IN CANDY CRUSH.”

• Leigh was nominated as our resident domestic goddess. For 10 days, her house was spotless, dinner was ready on the table when hubby arrived home, laundry was done AND put away, and she even offered massages and late-night TV.

• One husband actually complained about how fast his wife was doing laundry. He felt like he was wearing the same clothes over again (the act of radical niceness here was to not kill him).

• One husband actually responded so well to his wife’s niceness that he reciprocated by suggesting a date to the ballet. THE BALLET!

• One dinner at home was timed so perfectly that the couple ate together … in the DINING ROOM. On the good china!

If things are stressful and tense in your household right now, let me encourage you to try 10 days of radical niceness. You can’t do it because you want anything in return. It only works if your genuine motivation is changing your own attitude and the happiness quotient in your home. If you’re like us, you may be surprised by what you learn!

And because we’re always on the lookout for new ways to be nice, let us know (in the comments section below) what you plan to do as an act of radical niceness today!