Writing about this is some kind of therapy for me, because I don’t feel like I can talk about this to many people…if anyone. I’ve got friends with kids and I’ve got friends who don’t have kids. The latter party certainly can’t understand but of all of my friends with kids, very few my age have just 1 child. If they do, they talk about adding to their families sooner rather than later. Can I be honest? I don’t know if I want more children. This is a scary declaration to make because I don’t want my daughter to be the only child. I have visions of her growing up and enjoying life and experiences with her sibling(s). Part of me doesn’t feel like we are done growing this family but then there’s another part of me that is terrified about having another child.
The reasons may seem trivial, selfish even. While many mothers see more children as added little blessings that bring light into their lives, my first thought of adding another child to our family is “Sheesh…how can we afford it?” Following that is a slew of fears like not being able to sleep again, potentially going through another painful pregnancy, fighting to lose weight and then finding time to work out and then wondering how my passions will be affected by another little being. I don’t want to feel this way. I want to be the mom that can drop everything to raise her kids. But I’ve tried that and I’m not that mom. I am me first and then a mother. Motherhood does not define me and I’ve worked hard to feel comfortable about being a working mom and a hands-on mom. It took 2 years but I’m in a rhythm and a groove and I feel good. Yet, I feel this pressure. If we do add more children, I never wanted the age gap to be too close nor did I want to stretch it out to 5+ years. But here I am with a 2-year old and no desire for another baby. I’ve held newborns and felt no pangs of envy or lust. How is this even possible? I don’t miss the newborn stage. My husband feels the same way.
Could it be that we’re destined to be a family of 3? Will I feel sad about this down the line? These questions swarm my head space more than I’d like it too and really they’re rhetorical questions but I’m wondering if other parents go through these thoughts. Am I seriously too selfish to once again give up my body, time and passions for raising another child?
Beautiful, friend! Definitely nothing wrong with a family of three…Your post and feelings resonate so much with where my husband and I were about six years ago. We are a family of four now, but for six years we were happy, very happy, with our family of three. That’s why my children are six years apart. And that’s okay too…Bottom line? It’s your family. Your decision. Family is family. It doesn’t matter how larger or small:-)
There is nothing wrong with feeling that way. You are being honest with yourself.
Do you!!! A family of 3 is a family full of love. It is your family and do what you think is best for all three of you.
One-and-done strong!!
I thought I only wanted to birth one child. It was my plan.I’m definitely not encouraging you to go against your desire – you know what you want and can handle. When my daughter was 6 years old during a family trip to Canada, my stepson and I were hugging looking out over the Niagara Falls, and he told me I was going to have a baby. I thought he was cray cray. About a month later, I thought I had the flu. I went to the ER because I was light headed and nauseous, couldn’t keep anything down. Imagine my surprise when the Doctor informed me I was fortunately flu-free, but 6 weeks pregnant! I was scared, anxious, nervous – I had so many feelings. On top of that I was incredibly ill for the first two trimesters of the pregnancy. It wasn’t my plan – it was definitely God’s plan. My then-husband and I didn’t plan it. I was on birth control – the kind that was implanted. I don’t regret my son one bit now that he is an integral part of this family.
I love hearing these stories! While we plan for only 1, I always say “But we aren’t the only ones with a plan!” and “There’s always time for that plan to change!”
I feel exactly the same way!!! My only is just 2 and financially we are just getting back on our feet. We both are working our dream jobs and honestly work is crazy fulfilling for me right now. I see exciting possibilities for advancement on the horizon and having another baby would possibly derail all of that. We are in each a great groove with our sweet little guy and I’m nervous about another kid disrupting the beautiful balance we have. I am really close to my own siblings, so I do desire that for my son, but pregnancy sounds awful right now. I really don’t know what to do and time is not exactly in my side. I’m in my mid thirties and had difficulty conceiving my son. We still haven’t made up our minds about a second but I appreciate the helpful comments from everyone.
I feel like you wrote this post about me. I have struggled with whether or not to have another child basically since my daughter was born. Newborn stage was such a struggle for me. It was infinitely harder than I ever thought it would be. The first year was a real test of my relationship with my fiance. By the time my daughter was 2, things had finally settled into a routine and my fiance and I were finally getting back to a good place. I had no desire to shake that up again. NONE. Friends kept telling me that I would start to want another the older my daughter got. I didn’t believe them. I felt I did not want another but was scared to make that decision final. What if I regretted it later on and wanted another? We weren’t getting any younger and I was scared of not being able to conceive when I’d finally want another. A friend said to me, “you may regret not having another, but if you did, do you think you would actually regret having a second child once they were here?” Her words made me think harder for sure, but I still wasn’t convinced. By the time my daughter turned 3, I was so happy with our little family of 3. But then my daughter started talking about babies. Then my fiance came clean and said he was ready for a second one. These things made me start to consider it, but I still was afraid. Afraid of changing This wonderful life we had. Afraid of having a second one who was harder than the first. Or even having health issues to struggle with. Then one of my best friends had her first child. Being a support for her reminded me of the things I did love about having a baby in the house. Finally, the straw that broke the camels back: my daughter met my friends daughter for the first time. My daughter was absolutely enamored. When she held the baby, my heart nearly burst into a thousand pieces. Watching her gently hold the baby’s hand, stroke her head and give her a kiss on the cheek brought tears to my eyes and still does today. At one point I was holding the baby in my lap and my daughter snuggled up to is both and held her hand and it just felt right. When my daughter looked up at me with her big eyes and said, “mommy I love her,” I knew that another child was what I wanted. I have no doubts about it now. Yes, I’m still afraid. Afraid of how hard it will be to have a newborn and a 4 year old. Afraid of an unknown child who very well may be harder to handle than my first. But the love that this child will bring not only to me and my fiance, but to my daughter as well, helps to ease those fears. Every family is different and there is nothing wrong with a family of 3. Being afraid is normal. Listen to yourself and do what is right for you.
I just spent a week at Disney with my husband and our only child….she saw all the fighting siblings, all the parents yelling at their kids to get along, all the kids screaming at each other in the pool.. She thanked us for ‘letting’ her be an only. It works for us–I wouldn’t presume to tell anyone how many kids they should have…but I’m really, really, really happy to have one (and I’m the only child of an only child.) You can’t miss what you don’t have!
We tried for number 2 but that ended tragically and we have since decided to consider our one daughter a blessing and miracle! I also have struggled with the idea of her being alone but she won’t be as we make sure to socialize her and keep her close with her cousins. With time we have come to be excited about the idea of being able to offer her everything including every ounce of our attention. I think it’s great to have a decision and be sure about it! Stick with what you think works for you.. And if you do you won’t regret it! There are positives and negatives about every dynamic and scenario and you have to do what’s best for you and not feel bad about it!
I have one 18 month old, and feel every single thing you wrote. Amen.