Back to school madness can be both an exciting and also chaotic time for families. The kiddos are looking forward to meeting their teachers, reconnecting with classmates and friends, participating in fall sports and activities and possibly a bit anxious about the unknown of the next school year.
With back to school shopping, orientations and events, sports starting back up, doctors visits, and even fitting in one last family getaway, it is no wonder that families often feel a stressed and disconnected as the leisurely time of summer makes way for a more action-packed schedule.
While divide and conquer is often the go-to strategy to cover all the bases, what are some other ways parents can do or think about to stay connected and save their sanity?
Beware of the default parent syndrome
The default parent is the parent who ends up, by default, doing most of the tasks related to the kids. It is the parent who has the finger on the pulse of the kids: their day-to-day lives; their emotional, social, educational, medical appointments; deadlines for school; etc. This can create a relational imbalance between parents that can lead to resentment and disconnection — thus adding on to the back to school madness felt by many default parents. This dynamic is often exacerbated during busier, more stressful times such as back to school, putting an unduly burden on one parent while the other parent is more removed.
It is important to note: the default parent is very often, but not always, the mom. Just because the non-default partner doesn’t mean for this dynamic to exist, doesn’t mean it doesn’t. Couples need to discuss this dynamic often unfairly placed on mothers, and if they don’t, the non-default parent is directly perpetuating this dynamic — even if they desire equity on paper.
Being aware of this potential issue is the first step while putting together a back to school action list. To avoid the back to school madness it’s important to divide up the responsibilities between both parents (and even children if they are old enough) is a great way to make sure the burden is not shifted onto one person. Once the plan has been put together, make sure to continue to check in with one another to make any necessary adjustments.
Be responsive to one another
Be in tune to one another during this hectic time. If one parent is communicating about a concern or issue, it is important to take a moment, be present, hear them and acknowledge what they have shared. The parent intentionally expressing could say something along the lines of, “I feel like I am drowning.” or “I am losing myself”. If there is no response or support from the other parent/partner, it will create distance and disconnection. Everyone deserves to be seen, heard, and understood, especially by their partner. Taking a time out from the hustle and bustle and creating intentional space for a conversation about how each partner is feeling allows for that opportunity. It doesn’t need to be daily or require a dinner out, it can be as simple as 10 minutes on your backyard patio.
— Erin and Stephen Mitchell are the cofounders of Couples Counseling for Parents, a company focused on providing access to research-informed, psychologically sound online education for couples who are navigating staying connected while parenting. Both have a clinical education — Stephen, a PhD in medical family therapy, and Erin, a master’s degree in counseling psychology — and they have a combined 23 years of experience providing counseling and education. They have been married for 16 years and have three kids.
