My “Not Feeling It This Christmas” List

Is this couch taken? Good, where to start… My holiday blues are are at an all-time high, and here’s why:

1) I hit the drive through for both McDonald’s and Burger King… in the same day… before 2 pm.

2) I was unable to find a single stocking stuffer. In all of  Wal-Mart.

3) I routinely shouted unladylike phrases at other drivers (with my windows closed). Honking at me to turn right when there are clearly 3 pedestrians in the crosswalk won’t get you on the Nice List either, bub.

4) I changed the channel on Christmas carols. (GASP! Wha?!)

5) When a co-worker summoned me to his desk for assistance, and I found him in a surgical mask because the clinic downstairs said he’s contagious, and then he removed the mask to ask me his technical question more clearly, I said “GO HOME.” and walked away.

6) I gave my kids actual chores today, instead of just “wrap presents and find the elf on the shelf”.

7) My bottom lip keeps quivering inexplicably.

8) My freezer and dryer are both on the fritz. This has nothing to do with the holidays, but adds to the bahs and the humbugs. Did I mention the replacement part on the dryer won’t be delivered until January 2nd? I have to wear my fat jeans and should-have-donated-these-3-years-ago shirts for two weeks?! I think not. Didn’t the Levi’s CEO recently say you should never wash your jeans? I’m in.

9) I played a game at a Christmas party to see who had the most holiday spirit. I had a running tally of only 5 lousy points, then lost all 5 because I raised my hand when asked, “Who is ready for January?” I managed a score of zero, which was supposed to be impossible, since attending the party itself got you 1 point. Good thing they didn’t ask, “Who thinks 2014 can take a flying leap and just ‘unhappen’ so we can get on with 2015 already?” Pretty sure I’d be in the red.

10) I miss my former foster daughter like a phantom limb. At Thanksgiving we gave her a gift that read “Do Not Open Until Christmas”. After enough whining, we agreed to Christmas Eve. I hope she likes it.

11) I feel like I haven’t grown or learned or improved or bettered the world in 2014. I feel like an ungrateful dolt who got her teeth kicked in this year. Repeatedly. With nothing to show for it, which is no one’s fault by my own.

Wait…I just read this list once over and realized – I don’t need Christmas spirit. I need the Holy Spirit. I have Jesus Christ in my life. I am blessed beyond my wildest imagination and hereby find items 1 through 11 null and void. Good thing, too. My time on the couch was up. Next?