Please Ground the Helicopters

Without a doubt, experience is the best teacher.

My twin daughters are in sixth grade. Despite all the parenting books I’d read and the war stories I’d heard, I was ill-prepared for the drama of middle school.

I was equally unprepared for the sky filled with helicoptering adults constantly monitoring the middle school drama.

Google “helicopter parents of college students” and you will pull up a frighteningly large number of articles from reputable sources describing how well-intentioned but misguided parents have raised young adults incapable of handling even the smallest dose of adversity without parental interference.

Middle schoolers live in an awkward limbo between childhood and the real teenage years. They want independence yet they crave security. As parents, we need to find a way to be comfortable with loosening our grip on our children and tightening our grasp on the large safety net we need to catch them when they fall. And they will fall. Unfortunately there is no middle school manual for parenting, making it extremely difficult at times to know when to step up and when to step back.

While many situations require adult intervention, there are many more that do not. Sometimes the best thing to do is to take your cues from your child. I’m learning that my children will let me know when they need my help. As adults we have to have the restraint to let middle schoolers flounder and learn to fix their own problems. When I take my own advice, I’m often happily surprised at the capabilities and the resilience of my tweens.

Bullying, particularly cyber bullying, is a serious issue requiring adult intervention. I’m not suggesting otherwise. Unfortunately, society has diluted the definition of bullying by expanding it to include almost any slight, perceived or real. When we are trigger happy labeling normal adolescent behavior as bullying, we do not allow our children to cultivate necessary coping skills of their own that will serve them in life.

Recently, one of my daughters reported that she and five other girls were sent to the guidance counselor at school. When I asked her why, she said that someone complained to their teacher that she felt excluded, so “we had to talk about our feelings and being inclusive.” While the teacher and the guidance counselor were well-intentioned, I found this to be a perfect example of unnecessary adult interference. The result of the meeting missed the intended goal. Instead of solidifying friendships, it empowered the complainer by having adults validate the idea that friendships are an entitlement. Now every time there is a disagreement among friends, my daughter expects it to result in a visit to the guidance counselor. In a classroom full of 12-year-olds, friendships will naturally ebb and flow. Absent real “mean girl” activity, I think that we should let our children learn to navigate social situations on their own.

Last fall one of my twin daughters was excluded from a slumber party and the other was invited. They were both part of a group of friends who had been talking about the party for weeks. My initial reaction was to be hurt, both personally and for my daughter. But I resisted the urge to try to fix the situation for her. And in hindsight, I’m very glad I did not interfere. She and I talked about what she might have done to cause the birthday girl to exclude her. We talked about how life’s not fair and how sometimes friends will disappoint us. She worked through the issue herself with the birthday girl, and they are still friends. She learned and grew in a way that she would not have had I intervened on her behalf.

I’ve had several conversations with other moms who agree with me. I’ve also probably annoyed a few moms by shrugging off their concerns and refusing to get involved in middle school issues. While I won’t get it right every time, I’m trying my best to find that balance of supporting and advocating for my children while doing my job to prepare them for life.