*author’s note:
“I would like to preface this post with a few thoughts. When these words originally went live on Orlando Mom’s Blog, I received a good amount of push back from single moms and those advocating for single moms, telling me I was giving myself a badge of honor I was not worthy of. I absolutely agree that I am NOT a true single parent. I do have a husband who provides for our family and I don’t have to work outside of the home to pay our bills. As someone so eloquently put it, I’m not a single mom, I’m a stay at home mom with a husband.
I never thought I’d be a single mom when I got married nearly eight years ago. We vowed to remain married for the rest of our lives. Hell or high water, we always say. And we tested that vow. We tried really hard and we messed up and we had days that we just knew we would fail. But alas, married we stay. But I’m still a single mom.
About three years ago, when we moved to Orlando together as a family of four, I became a single mom. My husband started medical school and I have barely seen him since! No that’s not true. He’s around most nights about the time we all hop into bed. And always on Sundays. But there have been many nights, weekends, even some weeks, when my husband is MIA. He is working so hard for us. I’m so grateful for the time and effort that he is making for us, for a better life for his family. I am able to stay home and be with our children. We’ve even added one to the bunch. It’s hard but it’s worth it.
So how do I do it? How do I remain married whilst still doing all the parent things alone? I’ll tell you.
- My husband is still the head of our home and the ultimate say-so when it comes to our kids, finances, and travel plans. I don’t exclude him from any planning or decisions. He is aware of all our events and purchases. This keeps us on the same page and up to speed when it comes to basic and general life happenings.
- We are a team. (I know that sounds like my first point, but it’s different!) As a team, we stand united. We have each others backs. So if I had a bad day, he’s there to listen to me vent. If the kids were unruly, he’s on my side no matter what. Even if he thinks I’m wrong, he never shoots me down in front of the kiddos – he knows I need them to know I’m the boss when he’s not there, and that won’t happen if he belittles me.
- It takes a village, kind of. I like to ask my friends to help out if I need them. But I don’t want to abuse that. I want my kiddos to know that mom has got this. I’m capable to being there for them, even when, and especially when dad cannot. But still, don’t be afraid to ask for help! We’re moms, not super heroes.
- Take the easy way out when you need to. That means having meals in the freezer for when you literally can’t even. Also using paper plates and disposable cutlery so I have just a few less dishes to clean.
- Don’t forget about you. Sometimes I am slightly happy when my husband calls me to say he won’t be home until 9 or 10 that night. I can get the kids to bed, shower, put on a facial mask, and watch something mindless on TV for a couple of hours. I will browse Pinterest, or fill a fake shopping cart with a new wardrobe, or send silly Snaps to unsuspecting gal pals. I enjoy having the down time when I’m not being touched or yelled at constantly.
So there you have it. You now have a little peak inside the life of a married single mother. It’s definitely not as demanding as being the actual single moms out there – I don’t have to go to work everyday, I don’t have to be the only support system in our home constantly. There are many perks to my life style, I don’t want to downplay the rigor that is actual single-parentdom. I get that. But, none the less, I struggle alone to be there for my kids most of the time and my kids have often gone days without seeing their dad. And I have gone days without seeing my husband.
Do you know any married single moms out there? Reach out and offer to help them if you do. Watch their kids while they go to the grocery store or to the post office. Ask them how long it’s been since they’ve gotten a hair cut! Reach out and offer babysitting when her husband is around – they certainly need a date night!
thx. Good to know others have the same issues sometimes.
I’m glad you felt even slightly comforted. Thank you!
No, you are not a single mom. You have a husband who is working hard for your family. He might not be there for a lot of the day to day, but he there..enough that you added one to your bunch. This is insulting to actual single moms. There is no husband working for the betterment of our family, just me. There is no husband coming home ever, just me. I was once a SAHM as well, that ended when my marriage did, now it’s just me working full time to support my child. You are NOT a single mom.
I’m sorry that you were offended.
I respect your opinion, and the hard work you do as a single mom CL. But Samantha clearly delineated that her life wasn’t the same as yours in the article. It IS hard to be a SAHM to a family where the husband is gone most of the time. It doesn’t belittle your experience for someone to call themselves a “single mom when she’s actually married”, especially when it’s clearly explained what she meant. If the article doesn’t speak to your own experience (although I feel like it has good implications no matter what type of mom you are) then that’s fine, but it doesn’t mean it wasn’t a great article. It had a lot of good ideas in it. It’s a shame that instead of getting so upset, moms from all backgrounds could share in supporting other moms, period.
Medical school is hard but residency is worse. Having been there, this is your new normal. Some specialties are better than others as far as time commitment once they are an attending.
Final thought, medical families are in a unique situation but when it comes to psudo-single parenting it’s not the only area of work that creates this situation. I strongly recommend making a few friends who have spouses in the military, restaurant work (chefs have insane hours), fire fighters or police, music industry.
I’ve done this and it’s a major game changer from the pity party of my husband’s always at work.
Wife of Snufalufagus (yes he’s real even if no one ever sees him)
I do have friends in those boats. In fact, my husband used to be a firefighter, and one of my very good friends husband is a medical student while also being in the military. I’m not oblivious to other professions and situations. This was just my take on the issue.
I bet if you’d swapped military for medical people would be all happy and encouraging.
Medical spousehood is a unique and difficult path. Totally worth it, but it has it’s challenges.
I’ve been reading the Orlando Mom’s blog for some time now and find Samantha’s so easy to ready and light hearted.
I too was a married single mom raising a teenager to be a man while my husband studied and worked hard to secure our future. Our son is all grown up now so I work full time to support the family.
In our home medical school was know as the “other person” she is relentless,demanding and exhausting.
I’ve reached out to blogs and other portals to make sure I am an understanding wife.
I offer my home, ear, heart and time to medical school spouses that need encouraging I too have needed an ear once in a while.
Samantha, thanks again for the great read they always help..:)
Thank you so much for your very kind words. I’m glad you’ve enjoyed some of my work.
My pleasure Samantha.!!! I just want to add, I was a single mom “for real” before I married my current husbend now who’s in medical school and it’s hard, but again I can appreciate looking at others point of views it helps see things in a different prospective. I raised my son from three to eleven on my own no village just me I finished my MBA…. how.???? By seeing how others encourage single moms of all walks.
While I appreciate the effort the writer of this article made, I don’t understand how this topic benefits any other reader. At most, I find that it may insult other readers and lacks perspective. Please consider adding more beneficial & relatable articles/posts in the future.
Thank you for the appreciation. I do disagree though. I believe there are many women who have husbands who are often gone for long periods of time and feel very alone when it comes to parenting their kids. I have only my own perspective to share and doing some of my own light research, I know I am certainly not alone in this.
But this may not relate to you at all. I’m sure there are several other blog posts on this site that would speak deeply to you. I encourage you to look through some of the other mom’s profiles and see if there are any women who share a similar life track to you.
It has really great implications for all moms, I think. And specifically other moms who are in similar situations. I share in this similar life track and appreciate her insight.
“He is working so hard for US. I’m so grateful for the time and effort that he is making for US, for a better life for his FAMILY. I am able to stay HOME and be with our children.”
This should be titled “How to be a vet without having served in the military”.
The term single mom is not offensive. It is offensive to give yourself a label of hardship (lack of emotional, physical and/or financial support from the other parent) that comes from being a single mom when you are in deed not.a.single.mom. Of course you couldn’t understand why it is offensive – bc you are not one. It would be just as offensive to label yourself a vet or disable or a performer if you do not or have not experienced those things.
“How to have an MBA without going to school”.
I could go on and on but I have a family to raise.on.my.own.
This isn’t one upmanship. This is a ridiculous article making privileged citizens look bad for taking the time to type on your computer about #firstworldproblems of a SAHM.
Good day and peace be with you sister!
How about, “Don’t bash your bad day because other people are having a worse day”? Or “Don’t complain about your job, at least you have one”? Or “Better not vent about your kids, at least you have them!”
Tia, I’d argue your commentary is far more offensive than anything in the article. People are allowed to vent and encourage others, whether or not you deem them to have a hard time. So silly to argue if another mom is having a “hard enough” time to be able to give insight or to describe her own hardships. It’s not the same as any of the comparisons you made. Those are completely straw man arguments that have no connections to the article whatsoever. And for another straw man argument to add to your list, if a man can remove his masculine attributes and surgically superimpose a woman’s likeness to himself and win “Woman of the Year”, then I think we can all agree that CLEARLY saying “I’m a married single mom” shouldn’t be offensive 😉
This article is a slap in the face to every single parent out there. I have no doubt that school is difficult for your family, but you are a stay at home mom with a husband that comes home to you every evening. Please don’t pretend to think for one second that your situation is the same. It’s shows a level of ignorance and privilege that I thought was beneath the Orlando Mom’s Blog.
p.s. Your feelings of the struggle are valid. The offensive is not from your expression of feeling “alone” or denying the hardships of others.
The offense is from giving yourself a “badge of honour” that you did not earn sister.
Ask a single mom – and they can help you understand.
I have friends who are single moms. And friends who are wives of men in the military. Please don’t assume you know anything about me by reading one blog post. I certainly didn’t give myself any badges. And we’re not sisters. I don’t speak to my sister so unlovingly when I disagree with her.
Wow Samantha. You claim to be a Christian. Go to church this Sunday and tell your paster and congregation you are also a paster bc you feel like one. Oh, I don’t know, you might just be one although I think not.
What great writing when you can’t accept constructive feedback and recognize or internalize what you are actually saying and how it denigrates people who are actually single parents and actually do that job.
Seems extremely closed minded when I did in fact acknowledge your feelings.
No remorse or acknowledgement of your reader feedback (many many similar Facebook sentiments at that).
Shame on you for your careless thoughtless disregard in your response.
Peace to you then Woman.
Yes, what church sister would have such a response.
Amen
Thank you for your article. I too have felt like a single mom for the nearly 17 years I have been married. Early on with our first child my husband was away fighting in Iraq. By the time we had our second child my husband was traveling most of the time with a sales job and would be away for weeks at a time. Now with three kids he works full time and is also a full time grad student. In 15 years of raising children he has never been to a pediatrician appointment (other than the first check up after they are born) , a parent teacher conference, an open house etc. I am pretty sure he hasn’t the slightest idea what there teachers names are. Not to mention the laundry, shopping, cleaning etc. And I do work as well to provide for our family from home so I can still manage all of the other things and so my husband can further his career. This is not to take away from Single Moms who do not have a husband but in the role of a married “single mom” I also have a husband that I have to take care of. Which means another persons laundry, another persons opinions I have to consider, another person that needs my attention, another person who needs help with homework that is not my child. So while I do not carry the entire burden of earning money there is so much that I do carry and so little time that I can actually call my own.
Again, you are allowed to vent. You are allowed to call yourself blond of you have brown hair. And you are certainly allowed to call yourself a single mom when you are a married stay at home parent with a husband in medical school.
On Facebook, you asked why people are so offended by the title. See above – that is why.
It has nothing to do with you sharing your story and everything to do with wearing and titling and professing a FAKE badge. Being a single parent is a bage of honour. You do not have that badge my dear. But call yourself a duck or whatever else you want.
You asked why the offense. And trust me I’m not one to enforce being PC.
You’ve disregarded your reader feedback. Obviously public writing invites it.