I hit the wall. My daughter, Ella, was two and I slammed my palm into drywall. To keep myself from doing the unthinkable, I put a hole in the wall of my hallway. With my hand.
She had screamed for what seemed like hours about her breakfast. The breakfast she had always eaten before. The breakfast she had asked for.
No one tells a momma how to keep from losing her mind when plates and waffles and peanut butter and syrup hit the floor.
So I screamed back and pounded my frustration through layers. Crazy hit me like a two-ton boulder shaped like a two year-old. I stared at the hole in the wall and felt a chasm split-wide in my heart. Embarrassment engulfed me.
It didn’t take long before I called a dear momma friend also in the trenches. I was out the door with Ella, headed to her home. I’m pretty sure I was still in my pjs and a t-shirt, but I was on the way to a hot cup of coffee, sugar, and the comfort of one who understood.
Sanctuary. A safe place.
No one tells first-time-mommas to skip all the baby registries and high tail it to group therapy. But someone should. Because I could have lived only on diapers, some blankets, some onesies, and a binky or two.
But I would have never—never—survived motherhood without my first-time-momma friends. Friends who made me feel normal after a sleepless night. Friends who let me walk through their doors without questioning the nasty, questionable stains on my shirts. Friends who kept me from jetting over the cliff of despair.
That’s the thing about motherhood. We can’t go it alone. We love our babies. They bring us great joy and wonder. But. When every breath you take is filled with doubt and worry and fear, you’re desperate for someone to come along.
For someone to tell you—you’re not alone.
One of my worst moments of motherhood is tucked into my history. The hole in my wall is invisible now. And instead of shame, my heart’s chasm has been filled with grace and understanding for other young moms.
I often whisper in the ears of sweet momma’s, “When you hit your first wall, literal or figurative, pick up the phone. Call me.” You might be surprised by how many do. Maybe not. Because we need to know we’re in this thing together.
When the collective soul of motherhood begins sharing our burdens, we will breathe more deeply and discover the peace found in camaraderie.
If you feel you can’t take motherhood another second,
If you believe the crying is endless and you might be sobbing louder than the baby,
If you want to curl tight in a dark corner,
If you feel you’ve lost every shred of dignity you once had,
If you want to love this new journey you’re on, but don’t know how,
If you feel you’ve given birth to a being bent draining your life force,
If you’re wondering what you’ve signed up for in this child-rearing thing,
If you think you might hit the wall,
Please know…
You’re not alone.
You’re not alone.
You’re not alone.
I can relate to this 110%! Especially lately. It’s like what can go wrong, will these days and I try not to blame the little for accidents or making life ten times harder on days that feel they couldn’t possibly get worse. I will admit I’ve probably literally hit my head on the wall or the steering wheel more times that I should have already this week, and its only Tuesday!! Great post mama! It’s so great to know that we’re all in the same boat most of the time!!
Definitely in the same boat together, Stephanie! I often wonder how something can be so awesome and so horrible all at the same time. #thatsmotherhood
Thank you for sharing and spreading the word! Motherhood can be so isolating and it is so important to gain support from other mothers. Some moms also need more than support and they should know that counseling and if needed psychiatry is out there to help with anxiety, depression, ocd, anger, and panic. Coping skills exist out there that can greatly help moms get back to enjoying the little moments.
You’re so right, Morgan! For some, the best step is working with a mental health counselor to work through some of the struggles. No one can go through life alone…It’s also important to surround young mommas with our support and love.
I have indeed been crying louder than the baby at times. I have felt great despair at times and then overwhelming joy! I was out of my mind from sleep deprivation and hunger the first month. Now with a toddler the daily challenges are different and I am still not always graceful but will keep moving forward. I have been able to help other new Mommas already by sharing my struggle with post partumn depression. What a journey! Thank you for sharing this.
Hahaha! I’ve TOTALLY had this moment. Except I didn’t punch the wall, I kicked the door. Glad to know I’m not the only one putting holes in things.
https://two-forty-six.blogspot.com/2014/05/that-time-i-kicked-hole-in-bedroom-door.html?m=1
I hit a wall today (figuratively)…gave myself a “parent of the year award” and somehow carried on. It’s so hard. After an incredibly slooooow, “I do it MYSELF” kind of pushing out the door morning, impatient me might have been more than a little frustrated and annoyed, actually completely exasperated with the almost three year old mini me. On the way to the car, a little voice says “oh my what beautiful clouds this morning”, and when I say curtly “yes they are, now get in the car Zoe”, she tells me “you hurt my feelings” – commence sobbing breakdown by me. So after a little chat, a lot of hugs, I took a picture of those clouds, a picture of a smiling Zoe, and now have two pictures to remind me that it doesn’t matter if she needs another band-aid for her booboo that healed two weeks ago, if it takes her ten minutes to put her shoes on, I need to chill out, enjoy those clouds and more importantly, that little face…she won’t be two forever, and being late for work is just going to happen.
Sobbing. I absolutely needed to see this in my news feed tonight. Thank you.