Back To School: Mom Mental Health Edition

You’ve read the blogs, seen the posts, reels, and read the books about navigating your child’s back-to-school mental health this Fall. But what about the how-to, self-help for YOU, the mom?! I had the opportunity to sit down with Licensed Mental Health Counselor Tiffany Lowther, certified in EMDR and perinatal & postpartum mental health, to get some helpful tips and strategies for the parent having a more difficult transition back to school. 

As always, this blog post does not offer specific medical advice. It is a conversation between two mothers, who also happen to be providers, about their current lives. This is not a substitute for your medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Please consult and have a healthy conversation with your medical provider(s) regarding any physical, emotional, or mental symptoms you might be having. 

Is it common to see an uptick in clients talking about their worries, fears, and anxieties of their child(ren) going back to school in the late Summer and Fall months?

Yes, it is completely normal and understandable! As summer comes to a close, parents can experience overwhelm and burnout from having to parent their children, navigate finding camps or childcare, and manage the financial stressors of purchasing school clothes or uniforms and supplies, all while preparing for a brand new school year. Academic, social, and emotional concerns might arise, along with the challenge of balancing work with drop-off and pick-up schedules. Worry and anxiety can be experienced by children, teens, and parents alike.

What advice do you have for moms sending their babies or little ones to daycare for the first time?

I recommend practicing the “both/and technique,” which acknowledges that two or more seemingly opposing things can be true at once. For example, many moms experience feeling sad about dropping off their baby while also looking forward to more solitude and a renewed sense of self. They may want their baby to bond and feel safe with their daycare providers but also fear that their baby will become too attached and forget their parents (though this won’t happen, it is a common fear). There are no “should haves” or bad feelings. Allow yourself and others to feel all the feelings without judgment.

Feel all our feelings! YES! I love that! Speaking of our feelings, what happens when our feelings get in the way of our kids’ feelings?

I can’t stress this enough: avoid the tendency to live vicariously through your children and “fix” what we wish we could have done in childhood or adolescence. We may think we are shielding our kids from harm or making their lives better by encouraging them to hang out with different social circles. Still, kids may interpret this as a lack of trust in their own judgment and that you are disappointed in who they are (this is the biggest fear for teens). Pressuring kids and teens to be popular, become professional athletes, or achieve perfect grades often reflects a parent’s unfulfilled wishes or fears rather than allowing their child to lean into their interests and abilities. 

So, we should definitely practice what we are trying to preach, right? Self-care, compassion, empathy, and kindness to ourselves and others. Oh, how I feel like that is easier said than done sometimes. 

Exactly! It’s important to remember that your life didn’t end after becoming a parent; it actually expanded. Show [your kids] a balanced approach to life and well-being. Let go of any mom guilt. Go on that girls’ trip, date, hit the gym, nap, read a book, watch some real housewives—whatever fuels your soul will benefit your kids. 

We need to be parents who are present, predictable, and stable. With that said, our job is to help our kids and teens take healthy risks, be challenged, grow, mess up, succeed, feel all the feelings, explore new things, learn to be responsible young adults, and know that we are that safe and sturdy landing spot. They need age-appropriate and consistent limits, expectations, responsibilities, consequences, and earned rewards. Deep in their core, they want to feel safe and feel that you like, love, and are proud of them. 

What are some strategies to help calm a mom’s nervous system on her first day of school in that car drop-off line or bus stop? 

When in doubt, go back to your breath—deep, belly breaths, that is. Making your exhale longer than your inhale activates the parasympathetic nervous system, which helps to calm the body and mind. You can practice this by imagining you are blowing out a candle or blowing bubbles with each deep exhale. If you are quick to anxiety or agitation, nix the caffeine and stick to water and protein in the morning.

Lastly, co-regulation (managing your emotions and behaviors with another person) is a great way to ground the body. Hugging someone you love for 30 seconds or longer, until you feel your breath and body exhale or almost melt, is a great way to feel safer. Other ways to co-regulate include:

• Holding hands.
• Sharing a quiet moment together.
• Simply sitting close to someone you trust.

Thanks, Tiffany, for this awesome, honest chat! I appreciate your insight and look forward to more daily long hugs with my family and good, deep belly breaths in the car line!

To connect with Tiffany and other mental health therapists in your area who specialize in maternal mental health, check out Postpartum Support International to find a therapist near you. 

Tiffany’s credentials and information:
Tiffany Lowther, MA, LMHC, PMH-C
Lowther Counseling Services, LowtherCS.com, [email protected]