My son has spent the last few weeks talking about the five senses. Last week, it was “touch.” It got me thinking: A lot of things change when you become a mom (or new parent). Something that isn’t discussed often or at all is our sense of touch, explicitly being “touched out.”
Sure, we talk about touch in a positive way around new moms and parents, like how soft their new baby’s skin is, how squishy their thighs and cheeks are, and how their hair is so fine or curly. Granted, this blog is not talking about new mom skin and squishes — we got into that a bit over the summer, and remember, you’re perfect!
Many moms deal with being “touched out” and might not have the words to describe it. It is a feeling — a literal feeling, or more accurately, a lack of feeling. I and many others struggle with transitioning from an all-day “routine” touch to a more sensual touch as a new parent (or veteran parent).
Do you even notice anymore how many times your baby or toddler kicks you or steps on your thighs or stomach (aside from that really hard step!), or how often they pull at the newly growing hairs on your neck, or when they pinch at the back of your arms when they get tired. You might have noticed it initially, but if it’s been a few weeks, months, or years, I doubt you see it anymore; your body and mind toned it out. Are your kids (now 3 and 6) like mine, who sit very close to you while watching their favorite show, their legs over and under, wrapping yours like twist ties? Are you finding it challenging to get the right latch or setting for the best feed? Have you been breastfeeding for a while and have grown numb to the little nibbles and bites, kicks, pulls, and tugs while you’re trying to multi-task or work?
On top of all of that, did you have surgery to get them here? Was it a cesarean? Was your birth the way you’d hoped? Is there capital T or little t trauma you haven’t processed and healed from yet? (If you’re reading this and this is you, check out Postpartum Support International or Central Florida Postpartum Alliance to find a counselor near you or virtually!)
As a pelvic floor physical therapist, I see a lot of new moms wanting to work out, heal from birth, or return to activities they enjoyed pre-baby. After the initial discussion and we get into the physical exam, one of the first things on my examination is touch. Asking first for permission to touch, can you feel this? How does this feel?- for each area we’re assessing. When we get to the abdomen, belly, and ribcage, it’s already a sensitive area mentally in terms of possible stretch marks, scars, incisions, or recent loss. It’s easier to process later, once life settles down, emotions calm, and life moves forward, but for a lot of people, this sense – touch – continues to shut down and mute. It then becomes challenging to get a client to find their breath in their belly, help activate their rib cage years after birth, or get into touch with their deep core muscles to alleviate hip or back pain.
I just spent a good part of this post describing the feelings we’re not feeling when we’re with our baby or kids, so how does that relate to sexy time? It does! When your partner touches you, whether with a kiss, a rub, or an embrace, it’s difficult to have that muted part of your body (aka the largest organ in your body, your skin) go from negative to very positive. I tell patients we have to go through neutral, or 0, like a math problem, to get to the other side. I get that we don’t want to feel all the feels every day, feeling every kick, hair pull, or warm small body compressed against ours. Watching Bluey would be (and is) exhausting.
But, ask for some space. Get some space. Share the physical childcare responsibility with your partner or another trusted adult/caregiver as you are able. Try to notice how your body sits in general. Are you hunched over? Are you breathing through your upper chest and neck? Are your legs crossed? How does it feel to uncross your ankles and knees? How does it feel to sit back against the lumbar support in your car versus leaning to the side? If you touch your belly or thigh, is it hard? Is it soft? Does it feel numb? Is it painful?
Once you can feel what neutral feels like at different parts of your body – and yes, do the same on more sensitive areas once things have physically healed postpartum – then it will be easier to get not only into a better headspace for adult fun but physically be an engaged participant as you’re able to listen and feel your own body. I am writing this to say that it can get better. It requires a little effort, some communication, and possibly reaching out to a professional medical provider, but it can get better, and life, YOU, can FEEL normal.
All this being said — If you are feeling overwhelmed, anxious, depressed, or any other feeling that you’re not sure is normal — Ask for and Get Help.
If you’re experiencing pain, numbness, or other physical dysfunction or discomfort, tell your medical provider and/or physical therapist and get referred to or get the medical attention you need and deserve. Your OBGYNs, Primary Care Providers, midwives, physical/occupational therapists, mental health, and sex therapists can be huge advocates and guides for helping your whole body heal.
